Scared to Email Your List? Who You’re Really Hiding From

Scared to email your list? Work out who you’re hiding from, then ask five blunt questions. One woman feared her mentor’s judgement and got a guest spot.

I once had a client who wouldn’t launch her offer.

The offer was good. The work was hers. She’d built on what she’d learned and brought her own perspective to it.

But she was convinced her old mentor would see it and think she’d ripped off the work.

So she sat on it.

Here’s the thing.

If you’re scared to email your list, you’re rarely scared of the list. You’re usually hiding from one person whose opinion is still living in your head. Name that person, score how likely they are to see it and how much they’d care, and the fear gets much smaller.

My client scored the chance of her mentor seeing it at 2 out of 10. She scored how much her mentor would care at 1.

Then her mentor saw it.

I’ll tell you what happened, and give you the five questions I use to get women out of their own way and pressing send.

Why are you scared to email your list?

You’re scared to email your list because being seen feels risky, even when you know your work is good. The fear usually isn’t about writing. It’s about what someone might think once your name and your opinion are out in the open.

I’d build a client a strong marketing strategy, and she wouldn’t publish it.

Not because the strategy was wrong. Because she was frightened.

I call this the witch wound. It’s my term, not a diagnosis. It’s that deep feeling that it isn’t safe to be fully seen, so you play small and hide what you’re good at.

I’ve had my own. Much of my fear of being visible came from being put down by other women.

If your heart races or your voice shakes at the thought of being seen, you’re not being silly. But you still get to press send.

Who are you really hiding from when you won’t press send?

You’re usually hiding from one specific person, not your whole email list. It might be an old boss, a mentor, a former client or a woman from your industry who once made you feel small.

You can’t argue with a vague fear. You can question a person.

Generally, the person you’re hiding from is an old boss or mentor who’s too busy to notice you. And most of the time, they’re proud of you.

But you won’t find that out while they’re still a shadow at the back of your mind. So give them a name.

What are the five questions to ask before you press send?

Ask who you’re worried about, how likely they are to see it, how much they’d care, what they’d really say and how you could respond. These five questions come from “Your Not That Interesting”, my mini training for getting out of your own way.

1. Who are you worried will see it? Name one person.
2. How likely are they to see it? Score it from 1 to 10.
3. How much would they care? Score it from 1 to 10, especially if they’re a mentor, client or old boss.
4. If they did see it, what would they say or think? Write down the realistic version, not the horror film.
5. What could you say if they reached out? Write your reply now.

Do this on paper. A fear looks a lot less impressive when it’s been given a score of 2.

What happened when her old mentor saw the offer?

Her old mentor saw the offer, reached out and said it was about damn time. Then the mentor offered her a guest spot to tell her story to their audience.

Here’s how my client’s answers compared with what happened.

Read that last row again.

She was hiding from the person who gave her a stage.

And notice that she got the scores wrong. The point of the questions isn’t to prove nobody will see you. It’s to stop an imagined reaction from making the decision for you.

Why do you think more people are watching than really are?

People tend to overestimate how much others notice them, and psychologists call this the spotlight effect. Researchers Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec and Kenneth Savitsky described it in a 2000 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

In their studies, people who wore a flattering or embarrassing T-shirt overestimated how many observers would remember it. Later studies in the paper found the same pattern with comments in a group discussion.

The explanation is simple enough. You’ve lived inside your own experience all day, so you assume it’s just as vivid to everyone else.

It isn’t.

You’ve spent three weeks agonising over one email. Your old boss is thinking about lunch.

That’s the tough love in the name of my training. You’re not that interesting. And thank goodness, because it means you’re free to get on with it.

What if the person really does judge you?

If someone really does judge you, you’ll survive it, and you’ll already have your reply written. That’s the job of question five. It turns a catastrophe into a conversation.

Your reply can be short: “Thank you for reaching out. I learned a lot from you, and this is where I’ve taken it.”

Now, let me be clear here. If you’ve actually copied someone’s work, the answer isn’t a mindset exercise. Credit them, get permission or change it.

But building on what you’ve learned and adding your own perspective is how expertise works.

Men have been doing it for centuries without losing a wink of sleep.

Haven't Emailed Your List in Months? What to Say First

FAQs: being scared to email your list

Q: Why do I feel sick before sending a marketing email? A: Sending a marketing email puts your name, opinions and offer in front of people, so it can feel risky. Often the fear is tied to one person whose judgement you’re imagining. If physical anxiety is affecting your daily life, talk to a health professional.

Q: What if my old boss sees my marketing? A: Ask how likely that is, how much they’d care and what they’d realistically say. Many old bosses are too busy to notice. If they do see it, have a short reply ready. In my experience, they may even be proud of you.

Q: How do I stop worrying what people think of my business? A: You probably won’t stop completely, and you don’t need to. Name the person you’re worried about, score the risk and write your reply before you send. The aim is to make the fear smaller than the decision.

Q: Is it wrong to build on what my mentor taught me? A: Building on what you’ve learned and adding your own perspective is a normal part of developing expertise. Copying someone’s work is different. If you’ve used their material, credit them, ask permission or change it before you publish.

So what do you do now?

Get a piece of paper. Write down the name of the person you’re hiding from, then work through the five questions.

They may never see your email.

Or they may see it and tell you it’s about damn time.

Either way, your list is still waiting to hear from you.

And if you’ve done the questions and you still can’t face writing the thing, that’s what I’m here for. Emails That Sell gives you story-based emails written for you, so you’re not staring at a blank page.

Book a time to talk to me.

Who are you hiding from? No names needed. Tell me in the comments who it is: an old boss, a mentor, your sister-in-law?

About Eve John: Eve John is a copywriter, story-based marketing strategist and the founder of Dauntlexx. She’s the author of three books and has worked with women on confidence since 2001 and women in business since 2014.